Please Remove Me From Your Mailing List

SPAM. For those of you who do not spend ten or more hours a day online, it may not be an issue. But for people like me who get fifty, one hundred or more emails a day, SPAM can be a serious pain in the ass.

I use GMail for my personal email and Outlook for my work stuff. They catch most of those unwanted pharmaceutical, gambling, penis enlargement emails. You know the stuff. All that foreign SPAM that comes from unrecognizable, usually Russian email addresses.

But there is another kind of SPAM. The other, more perilous SPAM is the stuff sent to you by your loved ones. Emails with 32 attachments, all photos of “the world’s worst drivers!” or something equally as mind-numbing. The subject line of this email would look something like this:

FW: FW: FW: FW: Hilarious photos of world’s worst drivers. MUST SEE!

As you scroll down, you pass line after line of email addresses. (Basically a list of people who are responsible for this garbage ending up in your inbox.)

You reach the start of the “joke”, most times indicated by some obscenely bright, unnecessarily over sized Comic Sans copy. Welcome to twelve paragraphs of 42 point crap. And the evil, heartless bastard who created this email decided to add twenty animated illustrations.

I’m ranting because I am the recipient of such emails on a daily basis. I wish they would stop. But I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. Below I’ve drafted a generic reply that I am contemplating sharing with anyone who happens to add me to their FW: list. But it might be a little… harsh.

Hello and thank you for your email.

It’s always nice to hear from you! Especially when your email is personal and something you KNOW I would love.
As someone who spends her days on the computer for work, I can receive more than one hundred emails in one day! With that amount of information coming in, I need to prioritize what I read. And there are certain types of emails that will always get ignored or deleted immediately. They include, but are not limited to:
  • Anything to do with making a wish and scrolling down.
  • Requests to forward to all the women I know, all the daughters and mothers I know, or all the people I know.
  • Any email with “Funniest Ever”, “THIS IS PRICELESS”, “Think YOU have it bad at work” or “Dancing Baby” in the subject line.
  • Anything with a picture of an angel.
  • Twenty-six different “hilarious” photos of children flipping the bird.
  • Miracles.
  • Jokes including a gynecologist or a proctologist.
  • Warnings about product hazards, new techniques used by rapists or killers, or general reminders of safety lessons which I learned when I was two.
Before hitting that “forward” button, stop and analyze what you are sending. Is this something you think I will really, really enjoy? Something that, back in the day BEFORE email, you would have considered taking the time to send in the mail? I’m not trying to be a jerk and I don’t want to insult anyone (except perhaps the person who actually creates the emails that you forward). I am just trying to manage my inbox.

Have a lovely, SPAM-free day!

Perhaps that’s a bit harsh. But I have no doubt I would get my point across. Now in honor of today’s post, lets watch some fun SPAM commercials done in 2009 by BBDO Minneapolis:

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